10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Toilet Tips

# 10  – Toilet Tips

You may or may not be fully potty trained but this does not mean you cannot make full use of the toilet facilities. The best thing about playing with the toilet is the ability to be able to flush things away – wait until you see mummy’s face when she discovers you have done a fantastic experiment with her jewellery and flushed it away, one by one. The secondary part of this is of more scientific value, discovering the “splash” that objects make as you drop them into the toilet from great height, take note how heavier objects make bigger splashes – great for watches. Keep experimenting. Amazing isn’t it how you can put something in there, press the handle or button and it disappears forever as soon as you pressed it. Grab as many things as you can and see which float, which go away instantly or which need aid of a hand or a roll of toilet paper as a weight. If you choose this latter option make sure you use as much paper as possible and when you flush, play a little game, guessing how high the water will come before it goes away. Get really excited as it comes right to the top of the toilet bowl, especially if there is wee or poo also floating in there – shout to a parent and see what kind of face they pull when they come into the bathroom. At this point you will learn a lot about your parents, how patient they are, how panicky they are or how resourceful they are. You can have hours of fun with this special transporter but please don’t be tempted to put the furry pets in there. The toilet is only reserved for goldfish after all.

Think I May Be A Reptile

Think I may be a reptile, every year at some point between September and November since I was 21 my skin on my face does this weird thing of an annual rash, then my skin dries up, sheds and voila my skin looks older and more lined from that point on. I am at the tight as a gnats chuff phase currently – roll on dermatitis. Am I the only person this happens to?

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Secrets & Babysitting

#9 Secrets & Babysitting

One of the first things you must learn when your parents decide it is time to finally allow you a babysitter is that they actively want you to impart every bit of information you know to this new-found friend, the more embellished and shocking the better. She will be completely fascinated with being privileged with this information you provide. A good icebreaker is to tell her that Daddy lost his job and every time the doorbell rings or phone rings he pretends he’s not there. This will stir up all sorts of dynamics between the said babysitter and your parents. All the better if it’s a parent at your kindergarten or school returning a babysitting favour, as that can save mummy and daddy telling people at school, as she is sure to pass this information on. If the babysitter has children of her own make sure you tell her that “mummy says I am more clever than your children” – that will sure raise some friction when your parents return home. Make sure you also disclose any bad habits of mum or dad. Nose picking, farting, kissing people other than the other parent, that kind of thing. You will find people will be queuing up to provide care of you of an evening, if only to get some juicy morsels of information for the school gates. You have power and you will never be so popular. Enjoy the powerful suggestion of gossip in all its glory.

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Malingering

#8 Malingering

Goodness me, where do we start with this one. Mummy has spent ages embarrassing you by publicly licking tissues and rubbing at your face with gusto that saliva sodden piece of paper until your face is red raw and the mark still remains. So now is your chance to get your own back on her. Firstly, in the morning,  when you get out of bed, immediately fall over, limp all the way downstairs to breakfast groaning and huffing and declare your leg hurts. She may tell you to sit and eat breakfast, under no circumstances should you continue with the grumbling at this point, you need a full tummy for what is to come. Just eat your breakfast, have a drink and then here is your chance – get off the chair and bam, down again on the floor like a stone, crying it hurts so much. – She will then get the phone, call for an emergency doctor’s appointment. Next she will cancel work, saying she will be in late as her child is very ill. She will then help you get dressed (keep up the limp, moaning and noises), you will then leave the house. She will then carry you into the surgery waiting room where you sit quietly. No jumping about remember, just sit quietly. When you hear your name, don’t get up, let her carry you in. Then the doctor will take a look at you. When he/she asks you to walk across the room – do so with a very purposeful stride – ta-dah a miraculous recovery.

You may hear in the surgery the doctor expressing that mummy is “an over-anxious mother” – she will stutter and try to defend herself at this point. She will then probably apologise to the doctor for wasting their time. Now here is the odd thing, mummy should be really pleased you are OK, so why is it that she is looking at you like she wants to kill you? Ignore this, by this point work is all messed up, childcare cancelled, and, yes you guessed it – a day at home with mummy.

Number 8 on the list of 10 Things To Do Before You are Five cover Secrecy and Baby Sitting

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Direct Speech

#7 Direct Speech

Mum and Dad says it is important to tell the truth – so feel free to tell it like it is. This is the one time in your life you can be as honest as possible. A few choice words to appropriate ears can provoke a number of reactions – open mouths are common, to the more sensitive grown up you may see tears or perhaps a redness in the face. Often it is accompanied by laughing, this is not your normal type of laughing however, more an uncomfortable laughing, that is called embarrassment. Some of the most interesting conversations come from such direct observations – “why is that man so fat?” often causes huge “embarrassment” – bonus points if it’s a friend of the family or even better perhaps mum or dad’s boss. Maybe at the post office declare “why does that lady in front smell of wee” to the old lady – you will find you will by-pass that queue quickly and be heading for the exit. That is a really good starting point if you are getting bored waiting by the way, and, you could elaborate with “no mum, it really stinks” – just in case she or anyone else had forgotten your original point or had hoped you had in fact dropped the subject.

You may find people a little visually confusing at times – so make sure when you do that you declare as loudly as possible that ” that lady looks like a man” or “why does that lady have a beard” – this can be a little disconcerting for everyone around you but don’t hold back on your thoughts – after all you are entitled to an opinion and there is such a thing as electrolysis.

The list is endless to experiment with, the key is simplicity and if it all gets too much of an afternoon at home and all you want is mum’s attention and she has a visitor who is taking up too much of your quality time with mummy – just ask “when are you going to leave?” – you will find that within 15 minutes you and mum are alone again. Mission accomplished.

Next installment we will cover Malingering

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Stubbornness

#6 – Stubbornness

There is nothing quite like a stubborn toddler and you need to practice this skill daily, use it or lose it as they say. You must find any opportunity to be as stubborn as possible. The park is your obvious  first choice. It may be time to go home, perhaps you have been there all morning, never mind this, you are not , I repeat, NOT ready to go home and you need to make these feelings very apparent. Sit at the top of the slide and refuse to budge, watch that queue develop behind you. If possible pick a slide that the pinnacle is in fact too high for your parent to reach so they are left to just verbally attempt coaxing you down. Remember switch off your ears at this point. Just stare ahead and enjoy the power you have.

Hold on to the side bars if anyone tries to remove you, or if other children start trying to push you down. This attachment skill is going to be particularly useful for when you start nursery or school and you can hang on to the gate as mum tries to get you through the doors of school. This bizarre skill can also be used in reverse – when she is trying to put you in a supermarket trolley, do a similar thing with your legs every time mum tries to get you in, push them outwards and wrap them around the outside of the trolley so its impossible, imagine trying to get an octopus in an egg cup – this is what you are aiming for.

Are you still on the top of the slide? Excellent, now look what’s happening. Mummy or Daddy is now trying to crawl up the slide for you on all fours, look how silly they appear as they keep sliding down – go on, you know you want to, yeah that’s right launch yourself down now just as they nearly reach you. They will get a mouthful of wet welly or an imprint of your sole on their chops depending on your skill level.

No-one likes green things – they taste horrible, they look horrible and the best thing you can do is just refuse them. Learn to purse your lips so tightly that a spoon cannot get between them. You can practice this skill at night whilst in bed, train those lip muscles into refusing food. You can keep this up for as long as you fancy. Mum or Dad, usually Mum will give up first and may get you a chocolate biscuit or some fish fingers, which was what you wanted in the first place. You have to hold out for your prize, but it will come more often than not. It is just mind over matter and willpower as to whom will get bored first, you or your parent.

Stubbornness can also be implemented for clothing. Remember you are completely in control of the items that you will be wearing. If it feels too itchy say so, if you don’t like the colour, say so. If it’s too hot/cold, say so. Not working? just wriggle, run or do the dying fly as they wrestle you to the ground in attempt to put a pair of trousers on you that you say have an itchy label. They will thank you later. Mummy and Daddy are notoriously lazy and just love to get some exercise and this will be a welcome addition to their sedentary lives.

Next week we will be covering The Art of Direct Speech

Not Another Half Baked Healthy Lifestyle Intention

Call it an epiphany, call it a lightbulb moment, call it a wake up call, call it what you want. I sit here writing this in total despair. I knew I was fat, but actually didn’t realise quite how badly I had let it get to this. I have been feeling very lethargic of late, very out of shape in general. The aches and pains had increased, exercise seemed to give me such breathlessness, generally I felt crap.

The problem is, the results from the scales don’t look too bad at all and I think that is the big problem for me, after all they say 54 kg. But today I discovered that I am in fact 37% body fat – basically skinny fat (OK less of the skinny really these days but you get my point).  I wear a size 8 usually, how I don’t know, because I am clearly not an 8. Well actually I do know and my next post on this subject will illustrate how this miracle has happened. But, I digress, the truth came, it hurt and kicked me up my fat arse when I decided to get out the camera. Self timer on, I took 3 shots front, rear and side, in my underwear. Was I insane? clearly yes. I could have cried, in fact I did. I suddenly realised why I am single, (that being just one of the many reasons beyond me just being too bloody annoying that anyone could actually handle having me as their girlfriend or partner in life). So I decided today was the last visit to the golden arches  for some time, limit the things I really like, if not eradicate them. I need to start burning vast amounts of fat, start working out and finding some muscle under all this fat that seems to have deposited in the years I have not been looking. Further calculations showed I have become an apple shape since having my daughter, not so lovely and cute as it sounds, making me a likely high risk candidate to die of a heart attack or a stroke if I don’t deal with this any time soon. My goal is simple. Shed some weight but not much – I would like to be a proper lean size 8 on my 5′ 1″ frame, get my weight down to say 50kg but have a body fat percentage closer to 20 which is the big goal for me. There must be muscle under there some where after all. In my dreams I am lean. An interesting dream considering I never have been and am kind of curious as to how that would actually look.

As I am approaching my 40 something birthday in a few days I knew it was time to do something. I have a small person who relies on me solely. I would like to be fit enough to be able to do things with her without feeling tired all the time. Fatness creeps up on you, especially when you live in an area that has a morbid obesity problem. Your norm doesn’t feel quite so bad in comparison. But today things must change. I can’t do it in half measures, as that kind of sensible behaviour just isn’t me. I have to give up a lot of things that I love. Cheese, less dairy in general, no white bread and in fact I would like to ditch the bread all together if I can. Up the vegetable intake and remove chocolate, biscuits and cake from my temptation – not forgetting crisps my secret kitchen stalking vice!

I know I am going to hate it with a passion and be incredibly miserable to begin with but I hope when I start seeing results I will start to be more motivated. I have decided to give myself a realistic goal of being where I really want to be by this time in 2015. But hope to be a lot closer by Spring 2014 with just some refining to do. After all I didn’t get like this over night, so it figures I am not going to be able to dump it overnight either, even if I wish that I could. My willpower is awful, which is why I am putting this on my blog so everyone can see and nag me if I am not getting to my goals. Fear of humiliation is clearly going to be the only thing that works for me on this. I have been thin and healthy, maybe once, so I guess I can be thin and healthy again, but as I said, lean, well that is new territory for me. I just have to keep focussed, repeatedly eat well and try to do exercise at least 4 days a week. Currently its zero days a week, so anything is better than that.

I do this not just for me, but for my daughter and actually for other people who probably don’t deserve me doing it for them, but hey, its my mind and my body and if that tactic works for me then that has to be my motivation. I want someone to look at me and say wow not urgh for once. Life moves on, we lose things, we gain other things and in my case I gained a bucket load and maybe a barrel of fat and lost my self-esteem.

Each month on the 22nd I will weigh myself and calculate my progress and the calipers are on the way. Good ole ebay. Today I start with 54kg, 37% body fat, a waist that is 33 inches.  A number that made me nearly die on reading the tape measure, seeing as it is six inches greater than it was in 2007 pre birth of my daughter and appears to have grown by 3.5 inches this year alone.

I would love to be in a position for the first time in my life to be able to look in the mirror and like what I see. Unfortunately I am a perfectionist and a procrastinator of great magnitude, not a great combination.

But I have goals none the less. I want to be lean, fit, be able to cycle 20 miles with ease and be able to run a marathon by the time I reach my 50th birthday (should I wish, no big plans there as the knees have other ideas). It hit home when I suddenly realised I am now over half way through my life, and, life is for the living, not for the standing still. If I can do this, then I know anyone actually could as I have to be one of the most physically lazy people on the planet when it comes to exercise and fitness and lacking real motivation. I am the woman who would pay good money for the magic pill and wake up lean. Of course that doesn’t really happen. And short of me stomping around on roids, losing my periods and upping my testosterone levels that ain’t going to happen. Trust me, a peri-menopausal woman needs no more hormone messing than her body naturally seems to be dish out. And anyway I don’t have any ambitions to get the gravy browning out and oil myself up. Well not in public anyway.

So it really is Day 1 – I am starving before bed – not a good start. My cup of tea tastes awful without sugar. So awful in fact I think I may just start drinking water. All I want after a bowl of oatmeal is a hunk of cheese – a routine I have religiously undertaken since being a small child, having been given cheese after sweet things. Always good to blame your parents and take no personal responsibility for your actions as a woman on the edge after 10 hours on the new plan!

Don’t worry this hasn’t turned into some evangelical, found the light, health blog and I will suddenly start telling you to eat all paleo (which actually looks like it has legs for me as an eating plan incidentally) or eat six million bananas washed down with some soya milk tainted with fig juice. Its more likely to be a tale of disaster, woe, some funny moments interspersed with the reality I will fall flat on my fat arse with this plan. Always the optimist …

I don’t suppose it will bag me the man of my dreams, earn me riches beyond my wildest dreams, but if I put on a bikini and not burst into tears that will be a result.

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Security, Contingency Planning & Disaster Recovery

#5 – Security, Contingency Planning & Disaster Recovery

So you think you know Mummy pretty well? Now is your chance to really get to grips with her personality, the real tester … lock her out of the house.

You see parents come in all shapes and forms, the flappers, the calm and collected and sensible types, the inventive types and the just plain lost the plot types. So lets study what category yours comes into.

A true test of her character will be how she copes in a crisis – Your plan i,s when she is bringing in the shopping bags from the car after the weekly shop at Tesco, just as she gets back to the car, slam the front door shut. Now if it’s a Yale lock, sorted, you need do no more at this point, but if its your average key lock you are going to have to do some nifty handwork and make sure you turn the key as quickly as possible as she runs down the drive when she hears the door slam.

Next start crying, regardless as to whether you are actually in distress or not. Remember she cannot see you, but she can hear you, so she’s going to think you are really upset, even if, in reality you are now secretly laughing inside at your evil plan. But remember, keep crying and the louder the better.

The way she reacts to all this is the real tester of her character and you will soon see which of the categories she falls into very quickly, thus understanding her personality type.

If she starts poking sticks through the letter box in an attempt to retrieve spare keys from tables or hooks – she thinks outside the box, is definitely level-headed and a “strategic planner”. Logical, clear and frankly this is the most boring reaction for you.

If she starts clambering wildly over things, smashing windows, hammering on doors and attempting to break in you have a “leader” – brave and strong.

Does she calmly disappear then reappear at the rear of the house with the spare keys she keeps under the flowerpot at the bottom of the garden? – mum is a “realist”. After all she knew this day would come before you were five.

Does she sit on the doorstep and patiently wait for Daddy to arrive home? She’ll tell you not to worry and that he’ll be home from work soon. (Of course Daddy will have forgotten to tell Mummy he is in fact off to the pub to watch the football after work with his mates but we’ll ignore that bit) this makes mum both the “practical one” and the “optimist”.

Finally we have the most interesting – the “postal” mum – she screams loudly, she runs about flapping and shouting to all the neighbours, phones every emergency service and cannot be kept calm by anyone.

This one is both amusing and worrying but you get to see blue flashing lights, firemen, maybe even the Police. What more could a toddler want than an action packed cul-de-sac full of uniformed people all saying your name.

If you don’t fancy locking her out of the house you could of course lock her out of the car when she gets out to walk round to your side of the car, or perhaps goes to the boot to get your potty. These are opportunistic moments that have to be grasp with speed and gusto. Make sure if you do this one that you unbelt your car seat, climb into the front of the car, into the driver’s seat and repeatedly press on the horn. That will distress Mummy even more than she already is. When she attempts to coax you with sweets or promises of new DVDs simply press that horn louder and louder and laugh uncontrollably. And watch her reaction.

At all times you must be vigilant – one should never allow access by any other individual. You will find they all try different tactics to gain entry. Remember “Trust No-one” this is your motto that must be adhered to at all times, regardless of their promises of shiny things,  tasty things or furry things.

Part Six will cover stubbornness, an invaluable skill which as you will see above you have already started to learn the art of.

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Ablutions

#4 – Ablutions

There’s no polite way to say this, we are talking wee, poo and washing our bits. So let’s get started.

Washing takes time, it is not something to be rushed. Make sure you utilise your space, the space around you, own it, distribute the contents of the bath evenly across the bathroom. If bubbles have been kindly included, blow those up the walls too. Have a little wash but don’t get too hung up on that bit, that’s all very boring and more of a thing that grown ups fuss about; you need to get down to the business of playing.

Next lay down carefully on your back or tummy, the choice is yours, rock yourself up and down the length of the bath slowly. See what is happening? You are creating momentum, a gentle, relaxing wave. Imagine you are on a beach basking in the sun as the waves gently lap around you. Yep, that’s boring isn’t it? so lets move harder and faster, but, be careful, don’t break the rhythm you have skilfully created. That is the key to getting the wave bigger and bigger. As it starts to fly out of the bath, stop suddenly – the wave will automatically crash back into you creating a huge torrent of water that will pour over the sides of the bath. Supervisory adult with scream. you laugh uncontrollably. Happy days.

Toilet training is fun, trust me it is, especially if we do it outside and you get the added bonus of fresh air which all the adults insist is really good for you.

Make sure first of all you have an audience, outside a cafe or restaurant with open-air dining is preferred – there’s just no fun in flashing your bottom to no-one at all now is there? If you are out and about with your friends, make sure its synchronised weeing – if its boys, even better – it makes a lovely display, and if you are really lucky you may even see a rainbow on a sunny day so aim high to the sky. If you do see one, make sure you turn round and show mummy the rainbow and watch her run and shout. She’s running with excitement to tell everyone. So chase after her with view to telling them too.

If you are still using a potty then get all your little friends to use it too after you have, after all mum is going to empty it so let’s make that job a little bit harder for her. The fuller it is, the slower she walks. See how much she spills – bonus points if she sticks her tongue out when carrying out this delicate and difficult task.

No al fresco weeing experience is complete unless you have experienced the humiliating and cold bottomed experience of having to go for a wee on the hardshoulder of the motorway whilst your Mum and Dad are stuck in the traffic, part of a ten-mile tail-back to some goddamn Airshow you didn’t even want to go to that Sunday morning; even if you did spend the last ten days saying you did want to. Insist on having a paddy whilst you do this, thrash about a bit if your parent is trying to man-handle you into an undignified flying invisible chair squat, making sure you wee on their best shoes so they have soggy feet for the entire day to come.

If you are out and about on a shopping trip insist on needing a wee perhaps when you are in the lift, that way you get to socialise and wee at the same time. It is always nice to meet new people after all. Perhaps try for a poo whilst there, but only do this if you don’t really need one so you sit there straining and pulling faces at them too in an enclosed space. See what kind if faces they pull back at you.

Now we have covered wee pretty comprehensively and only touched on poo just a little. This is a very private matter for most small people, often carried out behind sofas with the only clue being the noise of grunting. However if you are a little more adventurous feel free to drop your pants, do a poo in public and make your Mum and Dad swear to God that you have never done anything like that before. Your parents will be mortified, you can give yourself a self-satisfied pat on the back. Jobs a good ‘un as they say.

Next week we will be covering Security, Contingency Planning & Disaster Recovery

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Potions & Concoctions

#3 – Potions & Concoctions: The Definitive Guide to Culinary Wizardry

One of the first things you need to learn is to choose your equipment wisely. Bowls and normal kitchen utensils are for amateurs and the short-sighted, think outside the box. In fact think inside the box, the pair of wellies, Dad’s shoes, mum’s best handbag, the dogs food bowl. If it can take any amount of liquid or solid, it’s a viable container. Really short of apparatus? I fully recommend tummy buttons, ears and mouths to try shove all your wonderous creations into.

Next you are going to have to think creative about your ingredients. Puddle water is a great start as it also contains leaves, mud and suchlike. Add some more soggy leaves, gravel, perhaps something from the dog’s bowl. Maybe if you are indoors grab some Weetabix, remember what it did to your hair? Yeah exactly, imagine the fun you can have with that. If you have been outside to collect your ingredients I hope you didn’t remove your wellies, because you are now going to need them. Carefully walk up the stairs trailing muddy footprints behind you and go into mum’s room. Look at her beautiful dressing table and all those lovely colourful interestingly shaped bottles, grab the one you most fancy, take it downstairs and add the entire contents to your potion.

You’re also going to need some utensils, twigs are the natural choice, but are also slightly boring, your big sister’s recorder however is so much better and you get to see the fruits of your labour ooze from every hole. Quick tip now, stick your hand in, get a big handful and dig it into all your pockets. Trust me, this will come in use. You could also try Mum or Dad’s pens as stirrers. Be really careful about the ones you choose to do this though. You need to be looking for either the really shiny ones or the black ones with bands of gold or silver around them. The best ones to mix with are the ones with the letters M, O, N, T, B, L, A, N, C on them. It’s a bit hard to tell if your reading isn’t up to speed yet, however if you do use it near your family, make sure that it is within just enough yardage that they can’t quite get to you before you dip it into your potion. You will soon find out by the pitch of their voices if you picked the right stirrer. When they shout loudly, they are just cheering you on (think of yourself as a contestant on Masterchef or The Great British Bake-off), therefore, when they do, give it a really good deep stir before they help you out by removing it, then removing you.

Finally, if you get as far as not getting removed from the scene (if you do, skip this bit and go straight to the tips in your bedroom), get bored and walk off leaving it all on the floor. Make sure when mum comes to clear it up you go ballistic screaming you were just about to play with that again, maybe if you are quick thinking, pick it up in a temper and throw it across the floor just to show how annoyed that your creativity is being shackled. You may find the playtime cut short at this point and get sent to your bedroom. But remember you won’t be bored for long in there …

Carefully look into your pockets. I say no more.

Next installment we will be covering ablutions.