10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Stubbornness

#6 – Stubbornness

There is nothing quite like a stubborn toddler and you need to practice this skill daily, use it or lose it as they say. You must find any opportunity to be as stubborn as possible. The park is your obvious  first choice. It may be time to go home, perhaps you have been there all morning, never mind this, you are not , I repeat, NOT ready to go home and you need to make these feelings very apparent. Sit at the top of the slide and refuse to budge, watch that queue develop behind you. If possible pick a slide that the pinnacle is in fact too high for your parent to reach so they are left to just verbally attempt coaxing you down. Remember switch off your ears at this point. Just stare ahead and enjoy the power you have.

Hold on to the side bars if anyone tries to remove you, or if other children start trying to push you down. This attachment skill is going to be particularly useful for when you start nursery or school and you can hang on to the gate as mum tries to get you through the doors of school. This bizarre skill can also be used in reverse – when she is trying to put you in a supermarket trolley, do a similar thing with your legs every time mum tries to get you in, push them outwards and wrap them around the outside of the trolley so its impossible, imagine trying to get an octopus in an egg cup – this is what you are aiming for.

Are you still on the top of the slide? Excellent, now look what’s happening. Mummy or Daddy is now trying to crawl up the slide for you on all fours, look how silly they appear as they keep sliding down – go on, you know you want to, yeah that’s right launch yourself down now just as they nearly reach you. They will get a mouthful of wet welly or an imprint of your sole on their chops depending on your skill level.

No-one likes green things – they taste horrible, they look horrible and the best thing you can do is just refuse them. Learn to purse your lips so tightly that a spoon cannot get between them. You can practice this skill at night whilst in bed, train those lip muscles into refusing food. You can keep this up for as long as you fancy. Mum or Dad, usually Mum will give up first and may get you a chocolate biscuit or some fish fingers, which was what you wanted in the first place. You have to hold out for your prize, but it will come more often than not. It is just mind over matter and willpower as to whom will get bored first, you or your parent.

Stubbornness can also be implemented for clothing. Remember you are completely in control of the items that you will be wearing. If it feels too itchy say so, if you don’t like the colour, say so. If it’s too hot/cold, say so. Not working? just wriggle, run or do the dying fly as they wrestle you to the ground in attempt to put a pair of trousers on you that you say have an itchy label. They will thank you later. Mummy and Daddy are notoriously lazy and just love to get some exercise and this will be a welcome addition to their sedentary lives.

Next week we will be covering The Art of Direct Speech

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Security, Contingency Planning & Disaster Recovery

#5 – Security, Contingency Planning & Disaster Recovery

So you think you know Mummy pretty well? Now is your chance to really get to grips with her personality, the real tester … lock her out of the house.

You see parents come in all shapes and forms, the flappers, the calm and collected and sensible types, the inventive types and the just plain lost the plot types. So lets study what category yours comes into.

A true test of her character will be how she copes in a crisis – Your plan i,s when she is bringing in the shopping bags from the car after the weekly shop at Tesco, just as she gets back to the car, slam the front door shut. Now if it’s a Yale lock, sorted, you need do no more at this point, but if its your average key lock you are going to have to do some nifty handwork and make sure you turn the key as quickly as possible as she runs down the drive when she hears the door slam.

Next start crying, regardless as to whether you are actually in distress or not. Remember she cannot see you, but she can hear you, so she’s going to think you are really upset, even if, in reality you are now secretly laughing inside at your evil plan. But remember, keep crying and the louder the better.

The way she reacts to all this is the real tester of her character and you will soon see which of the categories she falls into very quickly, thus understanding her personality type.

If she starts poking sticks through the letter box in an attempt to retrieve spare keys from tables or hooks – she thinks outside the box, is definitely level-headed and a “strategic planner”. Logical, clear and frankly this is the most boring reaction for you.

If she starts clambering wildly over things, smashing windows, hammering on doors and attempting to break in you have a “leader” – brave and strong.

Does she calmly disappear then reappear at the rear of the house with the spare keys she keeps under the flowerpot at the bottom of the garden? – mum is a “realist”. After all she knew this day would come before you were five.

Does she sit on the doorstep and patiently wait for Daddy to arrive home? She’ll tell you not to worry and that he’ll be home from work soon. (Of course Daddy will have forgotten to tell Mummy he is in fact off to the pub to watch the football after work with his mates but we’ll ignore that bit) this makes mum both the “practical one” and the “optimist”.

Finally we have the most interesting – the “postal” mum – she screams loudly, she runs about flapping and shouting to all the neighbours, phones every emergency service and cannot be kept calm by anyone.

This one is both amusing and worrying but you get to see blue flashing lights, firemen, maybe even the Police. What more could a toddler want than an action packed cul-de-sac full of uniformed people all saying your name.

If you don’t fancy locking her out of the house you could of course lock her out of the car when she gets out to walk round to your side of the car, or perhaps goes to the boot to get your potty. These are opportunistic moments that have to be grasp with speed and gusto. Make sure if you do this one that you unbelt your car seat, climb into the front of the car, into the driver’s seat and repeatedly press on the horn. That will distress Mummy even more than she already is. When she attempts to coax you with sweets or promises of new DVDs simply press that horn louder and louder and laugh uncontrollably. And watch her reaction.

At all times you must be vigilant – one should never allow access by any other individual. You will find they all try different tactics to gain entry. Remember “Trust No-one” this is your motto that must be adhered to at all times, regardless of their promises of shiny things,  tasty things or furry things.

Part Six will cover stubbornness, an invaluable skill which as you will see above you have already started to learn the art of.

10 Things To Do Before You Are Five – Ablutions

#4 – Ablutions

There’s no polite way to say this, we are talking wee, poo and washing our bits. So let’s get started.

Washing takes time, it is not something to be rushed. Make sure you utilise your space, the space around you, own it, distribute the contents of the bath evenly across the bathroom. If bubbles have been kindly included, blow those up the walls too. Have a little wash but don’t get too hung up on that bit, that’s all very boring and more of a thing that grown ups fuss about; you need to get down to the business of playing.

Next lay down carefully on your back or tummy, the choice is yours, rock yourself up and down the length of the bath slowly. See what is happening? You are creating momentum, a gentle, relaxing wave. Imagine you are on a beach basking in the sun as the waves gently lap around you. Yep, that’s boring isn’t it? so lets move harder and faster, but, be careful, don’t break the rhythm you have skilfully created. That is the key to getting the wave bigger and bigger. As it starts to fly out of the bath, stop suddenly – the wave will automatically crash back into you creating a huge torrent of water that will pour over the sides of the bath. Supervisory adult with scream. you laugh uncontrollably. Happy days.

Toilet training is fun, trust me it is, especially if we do it outside and you get the added bonus of fresh air which all the adults insist is really good for you.

Make sure first of all you have an audience, outside a cafe or restaurant with open-air dining is preferred – there’s just no fun in flashing your bottom to no-one at all now is there? If you are out and about with your friends, make sure its synchronised weeing – if its boys, even better – it makes a lovely display, and if you are really lucky you may even see a rainbow on a sunny day so aim high to the sky. If you do see one, make sure you turn round and show mummy the rainbow and watch her run and shout. She’s running with excitement to tell everyone. So chase after her with view to telling them too.

If you are still using a potty then get all your little friends to use it too after you have, after all mum is going to empty it so let’s make that job a little bit harder for her. The fuller it is, the slower she walks. See how much she spills – bonus points if she sticks her tongue out when carrying out this delicate and difficult task.

No al fresco weeing experience is complete unless you have experienced the humiliating and cold bottomed experience of having to go for a wee on the hardshoulder of the motorway whilst your Mum and Dad are stuck in the traffic, part of a ten-mile tail-back to some goddamn Airshow you didn’t even want to go to that Sunday morning; even if you did spend the last ten days saying you did want to. Insist on having a paddy whilst you do this, thrash about a bit if your parent is trying to man-handle you into an undignified flying invisible chair squat, making sure you wee on their best shoes so they have soggy feet for the entire day to come.

If you are out and about on a shopping trip insist on needing a wee perhaps when you are in the lift, that way you get to socialise and wee at the same time. It is always nice to meet new people after all. Perhaps try for a poo whilst there, but only do this if you don’t really need one so you sit there straining and pulling faces at them too in an enclosed space. See what kind if faces they pull back at you.

Now we have covered wee pretty comprehensively and only touched on poo just a little. This is a very private matter for most small people, often carried out behind sofas with the only clue being the noise of grunting. However if you are a little more adventurous feel free to drop your pants, do a poo in public and make your Mum and Dad swear to God that you have never done anything like that before. Your parents will be mortified, you can give yourself a self-satisfied pat on the back. Jobs a good ‘un as they say.

Next week we will be covering Security, Contingency Planning & Disaster Recovery

10 Things To Do Before You Are Six – Wearing Your Food As A Fashion Accessory

There are some experiences that no childhood should be without, therefore I have decided to work through ten “must do” tips before you are six years old!

Today we are covering the interesting and messy topic of food.

1. Wearing Your Food As A Fashion Accessory

Fruit is the obvious choice here – think of raspberries, all tiny and formed into a neat shape, cleverly designed with a little hole in the end to perfectly fit on your finger tips. That’s going to give you amazing red nail polish just like mummy. Wonderful!

Now lets move on to cherries – if you are lucky enough to steal a few from the bowl and they still have their stalks attached, loop them over your ears and bingo! – instant earrings! Whilst you are there, find some strawberries, the juicier the better, squish them a bit between your fingers to get all the juice out and you have instant lipstick to smear all over your mouth. Why stop there? white duvet covers also can be decorated with neat little finger prints to match.

We also mustn’t forget that Hula Hoops make stylish rings and come with the added bonus of an interesting game to see whether you can then eat them off without biting your finger too hard.

And finally not leaving the boys out, leave your morning Weetabix for at least 10 minutes, make sure its nice and soggy, get a good handful out and rub it into your hair, it makes an amazing wig, akin to hair extensions that mummy or daddy will find a real joy to remove. Even better, make sure you are really sneaky and lift bits of hair up and put it underneath so they don’t spot it immediately (that’s the fun bit), so it gets plenty of time to set to the consistency of concrete, that just makes the hair washing that bit harder and gives you bonus time in the bath 😉 … sneaky huh?

Next topic will be Phone Etiquette – so brush up on your language skills ready for the next installment of your baby bucket list.